


The Only Loophole

by flappergirlsfolly



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Adult Content, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crackish Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-02-07 00:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1878117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flappergirlsfolly/pseuds/flappergirlsfolly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on an episode of Puberty Blues</p><p>Ned has a brief existential crisis and Jon does not cope well with embarrassment. <br/>(And of course, Theon will be Theon)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Loophole

**Author's Note:**

> Heheh… I'm sorry in advance. I hope you enjoy- let me know what you think!

Muttering to himself, Eddard Stark picked his way through the woods surrounding his property. He knew the woods well, having played in them as a child with Brandon and Lyanna and Benjen, and played hide and seek with his father before mother had died. Beneath the large, towering oak with rich red papery leaves was where he had proposed to Catelyn, the clearing he was approaching now to look for Rickon’s Gameboy thing where he had last seen his sister.

It was also where he now found his son, face smushed up between a girl’s legs.

* * *

“Just breathe, my love, breathe.” Catelyn soothed, her hands resting on his back. Ned’s elbows sat firmly the kitchen table, floored to its hard surface.

“I can never un-see that, Cat.”

“I know.” She crooned, “I know, but he’s probably just as embarrassed-“

“Dad?”

“Arya, now is not a good time-“

“I just thought he might want this.”

His fourteen year old daughter’s black painted nails gently pushed a generously filled whiskey tumbler across the table top, before edging back and scampering her footsteps up the stairs.

“There’s a combination lock on that liquor cabinet.” Catelyn murmured to herself, “How did she-“

“She probably broke in there like a trained spy parachuting into East Berlin.” Ned replied, picking up the glass and taking a desperate gulp, “Because she’s not a child anymore. She’s grown up without a thought to let us know!”

“Ned-“

“She raised our hopes, Cat, with her tiny little height- we thought she could stay young forever!”

“Erm…”

“But they all grow up! They raise our hopes with their cute little hands and missing milk teeth, and then they grow pubes and _break our hearts!”_

“Oh… um, hey.”

Ned flinched as Jon’s boots clumped onto the kitchen tiles and the door slid shut behind him.

“So… you’re not okay, then? Right… well… sorry about that. And, uh, coming in late- getting back to the house! I mean. Not com- oh gods.”

As his son swiftly departed up the stairs, Ned looked up at Catelyn with her face resting on her palm.

“Don’t look at me- he’s not my offspring.”

* * *

The sound of metal tines scratching on china screeched painfully in the silence. “

What’s going on?” Sansa hissed to Robb, who cleared his throat and bit a piece of chicken from his fork.

“So… anyone see the Lannisport game?” Arya chirped, “it was… no? No one? Okay… what about the Jedi-“

“Arya, it’s very sweet what you’re doing, but… don’t.” Cat advised quietly.

“I-“

“Dad, I’m so sorry.” Jon burst, strain evident on his face as he battled his head up to meet his eye (or attempted to, at any rate. It yielded an extremely uncomfortable moment and both men flinched, looking away)

 _‘I feel disrespected, Jon,’_ he wanted to pronounce carefully, stiffening his lip. Instead he simply cleared his throat and let out a high-pitched squeak that he had been previously unaware was able to come from his vocal chords. “That sort of behaviour beneath my roof is completely unacceptable, something all of you have been made aware of.”

“Snow!” Theon exclaimed, dropping his fork. “What did you-“

“Shut up, Theon!” he growled, before turning back to Ned. “Dad, I appreciate how you feel about-“ he chanced a glimpse at Rickon who was watching the scene curiously, before continuing carefully, “the… uh, well the- the act of- me- I mean the… incident, which I promise will _never_ happen again, and tech-technically did not happen under the roof.”

The horror of sudden realisation flooded into Ned as quiet slammed down on the table.

“What?” Robb gasped, leaping up and causing his chair to clatter to the ground. “Are you saying that the forest thing isn’t okay?”

Ned hacked a shocked cough on his own saliva.

“Robb?” Catelyn seethed, suddenly aghast, “sit down!”

“I need to cancel with Jeyne.” He only exclaimed, seizing his phone and dashing from the room.

“That was the loophole- the only loophole!” Theon wailed.

“This is so unfair!” Sansa whined, “I was meant to be seeing Willas tomorrow-“

“A cute girl who won’t be named because of legal age reasons is going to be extremely disappointed because of this-” Theon hissed, as though the mere prospect was a scandal.

“Sansa, that’s so gross!” Arya whined, “Nobody wants to hear about your sex life-“

“Arya!” her sister cried, shooting to her feet. “Don’t be disgusting-“

“WELL I’VE READ YOUR DIARY, I KNOW EV-ERY-THING-“

“-fascist! An entire generation rebelled against restrictions placed against the natural human urge to love freely-“

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” Sansa screeched, as Arya spirited herself into the living room, closely followed by a raging Sansa.

“Girls, come back here this instant!” Cat bellowed, scurrying after them in a fury.

“What is everyone on about?” Bran whined.

“-this is oppression and I won’t stand for it- expect retribution, Mr Stark, expect the fiery rains of divine punishment- come on, Bran Rickon. I’ll fill you in on the finer details”.

The horrified outburst faded to muffled shouts and thudding footsteps, anger and hardship seeping from other rooms of the house.

After a long, pained moment, Jon spoke.

“’m sorry, Dad.” He murmured, gaze fixed pointedly at his plate.

“I know, Jon.” He replied, just as gruffly, voice navigating around the swiftly growing lump in his throat as he folded his arms. “I suppose I’m not really cross at you.”

“Oh.”

“I know I don’t say it very much, but… you’re my boy. Even if you do… _do the do_ , you’ll always be my little boy who used to dream about direwolves.”

“You never listened to that.” He replied quietly.

“Of course I did.”

Jon scraped his thumbnail along the edge of the table, chewing at the inside of his cheek.

“She’s really cool, dad.”

“What’s her name?”

“Ygritte.” Jon responded, as if savouring the way the name rolled off his tongue.

“Well maybe she can come over for dinner. I’d quite like to meet her when she’s wearing trousers.”

Jon grinned, chancing a sideways glance at him.

“No offence, but d’you mind if we don’t do meetings for a little while?”

“I don’t want to look you two in the eye, either, son.”

“Oh, good.” He exhaled and slumped in relief, before his face contorted in a frown.

“Did Theon say he was going to give Bran and Rickon the talk?”

There was a slight pause before both of them leapt from the table and hurtled up the stairs.


End file.
